Dating Your Friend's Ex
As we travel through our dating journey, we usually establish a set of dating guidelines for ourselves along the way. These rules help us to determine who we date and how we'll behave. These might include principles such as not having sex on the first date or not dating a colleague at work. However, one of the dating commandments that is often high up on most people's lists is "Never date a friend's ex" - and for good reason. It's very rare that you'll be able to keep both relationships working, and you may even end up losing them both.
Timing
If you are interested in breaking this rule, then the first issue to tackle is timing. Dating a friend's girlfriend or boyfriend behind their back is an accident waiting to happen. Even if your eyes lock and there's instant chemistry between the two of you, you must do the decent thing and make sure that your new found love breaks it off with your friend before either of you act upon any of your feelings.
Once they have broken up, make sure that you give yourselves a decent interval before the two of you get together; the wounds may still be fresh some time later and jumping into something too soon will undoubtedly cause your friend pain and anger. Make sure that they are absolutely over their ex and that there are no unresolved feelings lingering before you make your next move.
Decide Your Priorities
When dating a friend's ex, you run the very real risk that you will end up losing that friend, no matter how tactfully you deal with the subject. You have to ask yourself whether this new relationship is worth risking your friendship. Good friends are hard to come by, and you may decide that your friendship is more important than a relationship that may not even work out.
This decision may depend on the ex themselves. If they had already broken up with your friend before you became interested, how did it end? Were they unfaithful? Did they do something unforgivable? If so, the risk simply may not be worth it. If something happened between the two of you whilst they were still together, you may want to consider whether someone who could cheat on your friend could also cheat on you.
If you're unsure of whether or not to get together with your friend's ex, take a good hard look at both of your relationships and ask yourself which of them you couldn't bear to live without. There's a good chance you'll have your answer.
Be Upfront
Even if your friend and their ex broke up some time ago, you may feel that you are in a difficult position. However, no matter how uncomfortable you feel, you must be upfront about your feelings, don't even think about going behind your friend's back.
Ask them how they would feel if you were to go out with their ex; try to be as open as possible and be honest about your feelings. It may be that your friend has moved on in their life and is completely over their ex and does not see your new relationship as a problem. However, you must be open to the possibility that your friend may be upset and hurt about the idea.
Accept the Changes
Even if your friend gives you their blessing and you decide to go ahead, you will need to be prepared for some changes in your friendship. The times when you could discuss every aspect of your relationship with them will be over; even going to the same parties or simply hanging out together with your new partner (who remember, is still their ex) in tow may be awkward.
Final Advice
What's definite is that if you DO decide to date your friend's ex, you need to be prepared to lose that friendship. If you are fortunate enough to remain friends, then you will have to work extra hard to keep both relationships working.
