Learning from Past Relationships
As we get older, we often have to deal with increasing amounts of emotional baggage as we embark upon various relationships. Anyone who has been hurt in the past may be reluctant to fall in love again, in case they get hurt again. However, instead of putting us off dating, these past experiences can actually help us to understand why previous relationships would never have worked in the first place and so may act as a guide for future dating experiences.
Taking some time out between relationships can be very important; it can give us time to re-evaluate what we have learned in the past and what we want out of a new relationship. This will change over time - what we want at 20 is usually quite different from what we want at 25, and different again from what we're looking for at 30.
Moving On
When you are deciding what you want out of a new relationship, try to avoid thinking that all men or women are untrustworthy and are only there to hurt you, or that you're terrible at picking or attracting the wrong person. Although it's completely normal for your trust to be undermined when a relationship has failed, it's crucial to remember that everyone is different and you can't really make a decision about a person until you have dated them a few times. Although there are people out there who might mess you about and treat you badly, they'll probably look and sound pretty much the same as the ones who could make you feel great and treat you well. The trick is to take a little time to sort the good from the bad and to get to know the people you date properly before coming to any decision about them. Keep telling yourself that every person is an individual and no two relationships will ever be the same; it's up to you to create a clean slate so that the new relationship is given the best possible start.
It's important to remember that all relationships involve hurt at some level; if you are unable to be hurt by someone, then you can only feel indifference towards them. However, by accepting the risk of hurt, you will also open yourself up to the possibility of love, affection and passion.
Playing the Blame Game
When a relationship goes wrong, we often look for someone to blame and focus our anger on. However, placing all the blame on our ex-partner rarely helps us to move on and grow; if everything was simply their fault, then how can we ever learn from our mistakes?
However, it's not about turning the blame on yourself; it's more about looking at the part you played in the relationship. Would you be able to recognise the danger signs if they happened again in the future so that you could handle the situation differently? Coming out of a bad relationship can give you the chance to recognise the negative elements that you don't want to play a part in your future relationships. Then, if those incidents happen again, you can say to yourself, "No, this has happened before and it didn't work, and I'm not going to let it happen again".
You can use any negative experiences to highlight where you don't want to be and use that as part of your dating guidelines for the future.
* Try to look on dating as a chance to have some fun and meet new people. Remember though, that everyone is different.
* Don't start looking for a new relationship if you are still hurt and sad about your last one.
* Don't put the blame on either your ex or yourself; instead, think about why the relationship failed.
* Try to see if you can recognise any common elements that may have been repeated in your previous relationships.
* Use these past experiences to help you to handle any similar situations differently in the future.
