Communication Between the Sexes
Although everyone communicates in their own way, there is a tendency for men and women to differ in their communication styles. As a general rule, men are inclined to take things at face value, whilst women tend to look for - and often find - a deeper meaning in conversations.
Talking About Problems
It is also common for women to want to talk about a problem; not necessarily to find a solution, but more to express how they are feeling and as a way of obtaining empathy and emotional support. In comparison, when men talk about a problem, they are often looking for practical advice and specific answers. This can cause difficulties and frustration between the sexes.
For example, a woman might air her aggravation and hurt over a colleague who she feels has treated her badly at work. In all probability, she just wants to get things off her chest and hear her boyfriend express sympathy for the awful day she had at work and agree with her that the colleague is indeed an awful person.
However, her boyfriend may want to solve this problem for her instead, and suggest some practical way of solving the issue, such as having it out with the colleague or complaining to the boss. This often frustrates the woman, as she wanted empathy rather than practicality. The man will also feel annoyed as he thinks that his advice is being rejected.
Alternatively, the man may not even address the problem. This silence may be mistaken by the woman for the man's lack of interest, rather than the fact that he may be simply unsure of how to deal with the issue or what to say.
Dealing with Stress
Men and women cope with stress in differing ways too; women often feel the need to talk things through, whereas men tend to withdraw and become silent. However, in talking things through, the man may become defensive, feeling that the woman is in some way blaming them. They then withdraw, which in turn leads the woman to believe that she is being rejected.
Communication Differences
The following table sets out some of the major communication differences between men and women; do bear in mind however, that there are always exceptions to the rule and you should always take the time to understand how YOUR partner communicates.
| Men tend to ... | Women tend to ... |
|---|---|
| Speak literally, calling a spade a spade. | Communicate their feelings in metaphors and with depth. |
| Deal with problems by themselves. | Talk about their personal problems. |
| Take what's being said to them at face value. | Analyse relationships and look for deeper meanings in what's being said to them. |
| Be oblivious to someone else's problem until it's spelled out for them. | Notice when someone's troubled - even when nothing has been said. |
| Find it difficult to express emotions, although they can be quick to show anger. | Feel comfortable about expressing their emotions. |
| Take relationships one day at a time. | Plan ahead in relationships. |
| Give practical advice rather than emotional empathy. | Express sympathetic concern for a friend easily. |
| Keep quiet. | Think out loud. |
| Interrupt conversations to voice their point of view. | Talk more than men but still make good listeners. |
| Talk about sport, work and 'things' rather than feelings. | Talk about their feelings and about other people rather than 'things'. |
As you get to know someone, it's important to learn to recognise and work with these communication differences to reduce misunderstandings and frustrations.
Working with Your Differences
It's important to realise that although men and women communicate differently, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way. Both sexes need to take some time to understand the various ways in which the other deals with stress and problems and how they handle communication in general.
For example, men should understand a woman's need to talk things through and not think that the feelings she discusses are a personal attack on him. On the other hand, women should give their man the space and time he needs and shouldn't expect him to talk over every problem or feel rejected when he doesn't.
Men and women cope with stress in differing ways ... women often feel the need to talk things through, whereas men tend to withdraw and become silent.
Think about a typical scenario: a couple get back home from work at the end of the day. Both may want to wind down in very different ways; the man may simply want to shut himself away for a while, whereas the woman may want to discuss the ins and outs of her day to gain emotional release from stress. If neither have an awareness of the other's needs, what may happen is that the woman chats for a while, with the man becoming more and more uncommunicative and glazed as time goes on, until he finally stomps off to somewhere quiet. She's upset because she feels that he's ignoring her or doesn't care about her or her day and he's frustrated by what he sees as her unnecessary chatter.
However, once the couple realises how the other one deals with stress and problems, it can become much easier. Maybe they agree that the woman saves her discussions until later in the evening, giving the man some time to wind down and relax first. Remember, it's not about suppressing your own feelings and needs, it's more about finding a way in which BOTH your communication needs can be satisfied.
